Join The Conversation With Mishpacha's Weekly Newsletter

Here We Go Again

Dov Finkelstein, LCSW

You feel like you’re constantly fighting with your husband about the silliest things. What’s behind those minor squabbles gone awry — and how you can use them to transform your marriage.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

spiral “Can you help me take down the laundry?” Chani asks her husband.

“Sure,” Baruch replies. “In five minutes.”

“Forget it — I’ll do it myself.”

“I’m only asking for five minutes to finish what I’m doing.”

“Everything is always five minutes. All you do is procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate. And I end up doing everything by myself.”

“And all you do is complain, complain, and complain. What’s the big deal about five minutes?”

Fuming, Chani lashes out. “You’re so self-centered!”

“I’m self-centered?! That’s why I go to work every day, and just picked up your dry cleaning on the way home?!”

Why is it that a conversation about something seemingly small can turn into such a big, heated argument? This question perplexed Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist and professor famous for his research on marriage. In a study, he asked more than 1,000 couples to discuss conflicts they had in their homes — and discovered that the fights appeared to be about absolutely nothing. But when he read between the lines, an entirely different picture surfaced.

Share this page with a friend. Fill in the information below, and we'll email your friend a link to this page on your behalf.

Your name
Your email address
You friend's name
Your friend's email address
Please type the characters you see in the image into the box provided.

Using Our Free Will Effectively
Yonoson Rosenblum The image we carry of ourselves is key
Eytan Kobre The ripple effects of one Jew’s kiddush Sheim Shamayim
Living the High Life
Rabbi Avrohom Neuberger It is exhilarating to matter, to be truly alive
It’s Time for Us to Speak Up
Rabbi Dovid Eliezrie We must speak out proudly for the values of Yiddishkeit
Kiruv Is Not Dead
Rabbi Meir Goldberg Do these sound like uninspired or closed students?
Frosting on the Cake
Rabbi Ron Yitzchok Eisenman “Let’s not let a missing chocolate cake ruin our siyum!”
A Warm Corner in Flatbush
Yosef Zoimen It was a simple shul with a choshuve leader
Out of Control
Jacob L. Freedman “That’s illegal, Dr. Fine. I can’t have a part in this”
Song of Reckoning in the Skulener Court
Riki Goldstein “It’s awe-inspiring to watch the Rebbe sing this song”
“U’teshuvah, U’tefillah, U’tzedakah”
Riki Goldstein Throughout the Yamim Noraim, three words accompany us
The Rebbe Held His Gaze
Riki Goldstein A moment etched in Reb Dovid Werdyger’s memory forever
The Road Taken
Faigy Peritzman In the end it’s clear who really merits true happiness
Sincere Apology
Sarah Chana Radcliffe A heartfelt and complete apology can turn things around
Power Pack of Mercy
Mrs. Shani Mendlowitz The 13 Attributes of Mercy are “an infinite treasure”
The Appraiser: Part II
D. Himy M.S. CCC-SLP, and Zivia Reischer “Eli needs to see people who struggled to achieve”