Join The Conversation With Mishpacha's Weekly Newsletter



Are We Finished Fighting Yet?

C. B. Gavant

Some sisters and brothers never outgrow sibling rivalry — the feuding follows them into adulthood, causing untold hurt and family tension. What to do when sibling rivalry stretches into adulthood.

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Many people believe that sibling rivalry is something that children eventually outgrow. But this isn’t always the case. “Some adult siblings carry the pain and dysfunction that they had in their childhood straight through to adulthood,” says Adele Faber, coauthor of the New York Times bestseller Siblings without Rivalry.

When Mrs. Faber and her coauthor Elaine Mazlish began running parenting workshops years ago, they quickly learned that sibling rivalry was very much alive among the parents they worked with, all of whom were decades out of childhood. Angry and bitter adults shared tales of being constantly compared to their siblings, or worse, overlooked and overshadowed — both in childhood and in adulthood. Children who were raised with the message “Why can’t you do as well as your brother?” still harbored resentment toward this sibling 20 or 30 years later.

Rabbi Dr. Jerry Lob, a clinical psychologist with a private practice inChicago, remembers meeting with a woman in her 40s who had recently gone “home” for Pesach. “She returned traumatized, telling me, ‘My sister treated me the same way she did when I was 15, and my mother sided with her again — just like she always did when we were children.’ ”

 

To read the rest of this story, please buy this issue of Mishpacha or sign up for a weekly subscription

Share this page with a friend. Fill in the information below, and we'll email your friend a link to this page on your behalf.

Your name
Your email address
You friend's name
Your friend's email address
Please type the characters you see in the image into the box provided.
CAPTCHA
Message


 
Drink to Eternity
Rabbi Moshe Grylak Redemption doesn’t simply mean being let out of jail
Klal Yisrael Is Always Free
Yonoson Rosenblum "In that merit will Klal Yisrael continue to exist”
Home Free
Eytan Kobre My baseline for comparison is admittedly weak
Believe in Your Own Seder
Rabbi Judah Mischel Hashem is satisfied when we do our best
Picture Perfect
Yisroel Besser Take a picture — and this time, send it to yourself
Flying Solo
Rabbi Ron Yitzchok Eisenman As Pesach loomed closer, his resentment was growing
Hanging on by a Hair
Jacob L. Freedman MD “Do you still think that I’m not completely crazy?”
A Song for Every Season
Riki Goldstein Influencers map out their personal musical soundtracks
Subliminal Speech
Faigy Peritzman The deeper the recognition, the deeper the effect
The Big Change
Sarah Chana Radcliffe Spelling things out clears clouds of resentment
The Count-Up
Mrs. Shani Mendlowitz Tap the middos of Sefirah to recreate yourself
The Baker: Part 1
D. Himy, M.S. CCC-SLP with Zivia Reischer "She can't get married if she can't build a relationship...
Know This: Infertility
As Told to Bracha Stein There was no place for me. I didn’t belong
Dear Shadchan
The Girl Here's the thing: I need time