Join The Conversation With Mishpacha's Weekly Newsletter



Navigating the Dating Maze

Rosie Einhorn, LCSW, and Sherry Zimmerman, JD, M.Sc.

The rising divorce rate among newlyweds is alarming. And often, the source of the problem isn’t what happens after marriage, but the fact that these two people should never have gotten married in the first place. How to date wisely — and for the long term.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Not long after Suri* returned home from seminary, she begged her parents to let her begin shidduchim. All her friends were dating and she didn’t want to be left behind. Suri’s parents wanted her to mature some more and choose a career first. But after perpetual pleas from their daughter, they eventually gave in. A short while later, Suri decided she had found “the one.” Menachem was the second boy she dated, and the young couple wanted to get engaged after three weeks. Try as they might, Suri’s parents couldn’t persuade their headstrong daughter to take more time. As they helped her plan her wedding and set up an apartment, they continued to worry: Was she really ready for marriage?  Six weeks after the wedding, Suri showed up at her parents’ door in tears. “You were right,” she admitted. “I shouldn’t have rushed into things.” Most of us know of couples like Suri and Menachem whose marriages end a short time after the chuppah. Often, this happens because the couple shouldn’t have gotten engaged in the first place. Through our work with daters and couples for more than three decades — in premarital therapy, couples’ counseling, and family law — we’ve observed a number of factors that contribute to the phenomenon of premature or ill-advised engagements and marriages. Please note: This article addresses the shidduch system that has been adopted by the yeshivah world. There is certainly much value to alternative systems, such as that used in the chassidish world. While not all our advice will be relevant to those using other systems, we believe that many of the pointers will have value for anyone in shidduchim.


To read the rest of this story, please buy this issue of Mishpacha or sign up for a weekly subscription

Share this page with a friend. Fill in the information below, and we'll email your friend a link to this page on your behalf.

Your name
Your email address
You friend's name
Your friend's email address
Please type the characters you see in the image into the box provided.
CAPTCHA
Message


MM217
 
The Fortunes of War
Rabbi Moshe Grylak We’re still feeling the fallout of the First World War
Some Lessons, But Few Portents
Yonoson Rosenblum What the midterms tell us about 2020
Vote of Confidence
Eyan Kobre Why I tuned in to the liberal radio station
5 out of 10
Rabbi Dovid Bashevkin Top 5 Moments of the Kinus
Day in the Life
Rachel Bachrach Chaim White of KC Kosher Co-op
When Less is More
Rabbi Ron Yitzchok Eisenman How a good edit enhances a manuscript
It’s My Job
Jacob L. Freedman “Will you force me to take meds?”
They’re Still Playing My Song?
Riki Goldstein Yitzy Bald’s Yerav Na
Yisroel Werdyger Can’t Stop Singing
Riki Goldstein Ahrele Samet’s Loi Luni
Double Chords of Hope
Riki Goldstein You never know how far your music can go
Will Dedi Have the Last Laugh?
Dovid N. Golding Dedi and Ding go way back
Battle of the Budge
Faigy Peritzman Using stubbornness to grow in ruchniyus
The Challenging Child
Sarah Chana Radcliffe Strategies for raising the difficult child
Bucking the Trend
Sara Eisemann If I skip sem, will I get a good shidduch?
The Musician: Part 1
D. Himy, M.S. CCC-SLP and Zivia Reischer "If she can't read she'll be handicapped for life!"