Join The Conversation With Mishpacha's Weekly Newsletter



So You Want To Be a Shadchan?

Michal Eisikowitz

The shidduch crisis is painfully unfolding each day — and individuals with a conscience feel compelled to get involved. But will a well-meaning amateur wreck a shidduch before it’s even begun? What newbie matchmakers should know before attempting to split the sea.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Miriam was thrilled. A mother of seven and a skilled graphic artist, she’d just redt a shidduch in which the couple went out twice — and reported having a very nice time. But right after saying how pleasant the date had been, the boy threw Miriam for a loop, informing her that he wanted out. “I kept repeating, ‘But if you liked her, and you had a good time, what’s bothering you?’ ” recalls Miriam. “I felt I should try to find out — help him work it through.” After several unpleasant minutes of wrangling, the boy finally disclosed that he wanted a different personality type — but wouldn’t specify which kind. Miriam surrendered. Then she had the unenviable task of conveying to the (shocked!) other side that he didn’t want to continue, without being able to give a concrete reason. “Painful as it is to hear a no, I think people want some understanding,” she says. “I kept thinking: how would a professional shadchan have sorted this out? And how could I ever set this boy up again?” Being a shadchan is anything but straightforward — it’s a complex job requiring deft maneuvers. How can inexperienced marriage brokers know what to do? When do they gloss over the truth, and when do they tell it as it is? When do they push, and when do they respect people’s decisions and step out? Family First spoke to both professional and amateur shadchanim to gather insights — and hear the lessons they’ve learned the hard way.

To read the rest of this story, please buy this issue of Mishpacha or sign up for a weekly subscription

Share this page with a friend. Fill in the information below, and we'll email your friend a link to this page on your behalf.

Your name
Your email address
You friend's name
Your friend's email address
Please type the characters you see in the image into the box provided.
CAPTCHA
Message


MM217
 
Whose State Is It?
Rabbi Moshe Grylak The Nation-State Bill adds nothing to the simple truth
First, Clean Your Room
Yonoson Rosenblum Disorder of our rooms reflects the disorder of our minds
Start Up with G-d
Eytan Kobre “Women rabbis” suffocate the spirit of the law
The Non-Competitive Competitors
Rabbi Avrohom Weinrib Competition? We are all working for the same Boss!
In Defense of Those Eltere Bochurim
“Still Waiting” (an anonymous contributor) A perspective built on 12 years (and counting) of dating
No Size Fits All
Jacob L. Freedman Meir’s success seemed practically carved out for him
Endnote - Start with the Heart
Riki Goldstein “I start with the heart of the sound, then add layers”
Great Shakes
Rabbi Ron Yitzchok Eisenman Hashem has His ways of pressing our “reset” button
Of Gates and Gators
Faigy Peritzman Our ears can receive messages the most easily
I Don’t Know
Sarah Chana Radcliffe Get around decision paralysis by listening to your gut
Time to Try the Frum Dating Sites?
Sara Eisemann That’s my problem and I’ll have to work it through